Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
