LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i drank out of a bidet.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
