My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
