Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
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