I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
