I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
