I'm going to rape someone's good day.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
