can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
