so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
