I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
