You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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