You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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