I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Moan for me like Helen Keller
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
