garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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