but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
