remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
