...so i touched it.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
