i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
