I wish my penis had an off switch
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
