Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
