Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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