so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
