I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
