Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize