Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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