Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
