im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
