Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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