I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
