It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
