My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My penis needs a shock collar
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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