My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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