I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
