not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
