i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
