Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
