Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
