College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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