Its about making memories worth repressing
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
