he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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