That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
