She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize