What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
