I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I think my vagina is haunted
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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