I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
