This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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