This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
