do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
