i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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