can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think my vagina is haunted
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
