You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
