after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize