just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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