Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
