dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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