It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
