You really coming over, don't trick.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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